39,099,921

39,099,921 people online when I only need to talk to talk to one person. 

I've been trying to hold it in and keep it together. I've been successful so far though there were two instances where cracks started to show beneath the happy facade I've been presenting to people I've talked to today. 

It's been hours since the fight and I've been thinking about nothing else, but what had happened earlier. I've been brooding and I've been replaying everything in my head over and over again. I've been thinking about what I should've done differently and how things could've turned out differently.

I realize now where my mistake lies and I would do anything at this point to make amends. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to see me. He's made it perfectly clear when he pushed me out the door.

I feel horrid and I just want to feel numb. My tears fall out of their own accord and I am tortured he still hasn't said a word to me.